David Letterman

• A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.
• A Mardi Gras riot happened in Philadelphia. The people were nuts, they went berserk! I haven't seen that much looting since the Clintons left the White House!
• And now the really difficult part: We have to rebuild Iraq into a strong and independent nation that will one day hate the United States.
• Charlton Heston admitted he had a drinking problem, and I said to myself, "Thank God this guy doesn't own any guns!"
• Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.
• Congratulations to Saddam Hussein on being elected to another seven-year term. It was very close. He received 99 percent of the vote, and one percent of the vote went for last-minute candidate Frank Lautenberg.
• Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?
• Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.
• Every day is President's Day when you have an intern!
• Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants.
• Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.
• Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
• He's a ruthless dictator but he also thinks he's a playwright. Saddam wrote a play called 'Zabiba and the King' ... attendance has dropped off since Nathan Lane has left the show.
• Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.
• Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family.
• I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
• I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.
• I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
• Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.
• Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.
• It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.
• It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?
• Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, "Konsult Kardiologist".
• Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?
• New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
• New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.
• Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.
• People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.
• President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.
• President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.
• President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?
• Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?
• The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.
• The Security and Exchanges Commission is going to be investigating Vice President Dick Cheney. They'll begin that investigation as soon as Congress finishes investigating the Security and Exchanges Commission.
• The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.
• The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.
• The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.
• There is no off position on the genius switch.
• There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
• Today is a big day in TV history. On this day forty-one years ago, the Beverly Hillbillies aired for the first time right here on CBS. They took a little break, then in 1992, they moved into the White House for eight years.
• Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
• USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
• We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.
• We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.
• We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.
• Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.
• Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.
• Yesterday the Iraqis and U.S. troops pulled down a giant statue of Saddam Hussein. They pull it down and it lands right on top of Geraldo.